It was last Wednesday that my mother in law passed away. I tried to support her by staying nights at her house for the last few weeks in order to help her as needed. I tried my best to take care of her as her daughter in law and the Japanese wife of her son. She went so quickly and my husband and I are still feeling deep sorrow at her loss. I would like to share my thoughts and observations of cultural differences that I felt while facing the death of a loved one as a Japanese woman married to an American man.

1. Disease Diagnosis
2. At Home with Family or at a Hospice Care Facility with Professional Caregivers
   
3. Friends around Her
4. Respecting Each Other’s Religious Beliefs
5. Cremation or Burial
6. The Importance of the Living Will
7. Government’s Support

1. 1. Disease Diagnosis
      In the US, when someone is diagnosed with a disease, the doctor tells the patient directly. In Japan, the doctor tells the patient’s family first, and the patients’ family decides whether to tell the patient. Japanese women may be shocked if the doctor tells the patient directly what disease he or she has. Also, medical terminology is very difficult to understand for many Japanese women even though their English is excellent. We recommend that you go to the hospital with her when she needs to go there.

   2. At Home with Family or at a Hospice Care Facility with Professional Caregivers
      In the US, it may be common to send parents to a hospice care facility where professional, nonfamily members attend to their needs. In Japan, people in hospice prefer to be cared for at home by family members. Sons and daughters feel guilty if they send their parents to a hospice care center. Whether to be cared for at a home hospice or at a hospice care facility, this is an important topic to discuss with your Japanese wife.

   3. Friends around Her
      My mother in law had received a lot of good wishes from her close friends and relatives by phone, thoughtful cards, pretty flowers, and many visitors. She must have been very happy to be surrounded by many people who were thinking of her. If I were sick, would there have been many friends who would come to see me and wish me well? Japanese women who live outside of Japan should be involved in their local community through religious groups, volunteering in their local community, attending parent meetings at their children’s schools, and becoming members of other groups where they can make friends.

   4. Respecting Each Other’s Religious Beliefs
      Many Japanese people believe that there are 108 Gods. Some Japanese people believe in reincarnation. The most common religion in Japan is Shintoism. It is very likely that your Japanese wife will not have the same religion as you. Respecting each other’s religious beliefs is an important topic that an international couple needs to discuss.

   5. Cremation or Burial
      In the US, the burial of the embalmed body is common. In Japan, cremation is standard practice for cultural reasons and since there is not enough space for burial. I told my husband that I would prefer to be cremated when I will die. I feel embarrassed if someone were to dig up my dead body hundreds of years later in the future. I need to write about this decision in my living will.

   6. The Importance of the Living Will
      In the US, writing a living will is quite common. In Japan, writing a living will is not common. However, if you have a Japanese wife, it would be a great idea to create both of your living wills together. She may have financial accounts in Japan that is too difficult to investigate if you don’t understand Japanese. It would be better to know the contact information of her parents, siblings, cousins, coworkers and best friends. Some of them can help you in English. My husband and I have talked about making our living wills, but we haven’t done so yet. Now is a good time to make our living wills since we are still in good health.

   7. Government’s Support
      In the US, there is limited government assistance for people requiring medical care. Many Japanese people who have relocated to other countries would like to go back to Japan when they get old and/or require medical care. Many Japanese people go back to Japan to have medical treatments when they get sick because the medical fee in Japan is a lot cheaper than in the US and there is no language barrier. Your Japanese wife may think that going back to Japan at some point is one of her options.
       

      My mother in law’s death is a big loss to our family. Fortunately, my husband and I have received much warm support from people who knew my mother in law. We are grateful for all of the support we have received! We appreciate all of the condolences. Thank you very much!

       

       

      

       

       

       

       

      
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